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Who's Bill This Time?


BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Uh-oh. You're in trouble. Head to the princi-Bill's office. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here's your host, who can't wait for this whole thing to be over, so he can once again host the show from my lap, Peter Sagal.



Thank you, Bill. Later on, we are going to be talking to Joel McHale, star of the hit show "Community," who is now hosting the new cooking show "Crime Scene Kitchen." I know my kitchen has been a crime scene this whole pandemic. Am I right? Because I murdered somebody in there.


SAGAL: Anyway, you can confess your misdeeds when you give us a call to play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on. WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SHAWN HOPKINS: Hey, there. Shawn Hopkins (ph) from Chicago.

SAGAL: Hey. Hey there, Shawn. You sound - I'm just going to say this - very relaxed.

HOPKINS: (Laughter) Extremely.

SAGAL: Extremely relaxed. I'm very glad. And what do you do here in Chicago?

HOPKINS: I work for a bicycle company. So we are trying to figure out this bike shortage thing.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah. But it's true that everybody decided to go get a bicycle during the pandemic. And now we have no more bicycles.

HOPKINS: Yeah, it's amazing but horrifying at the same time.

SAGAL: Really? Are people calling you up jonesing for bicycles? It's like, Shawn, man, you got to hook me up - something, you know, just something with 10 speeds, man. That's all I need - just a little taste of a gear set. Come on, man.

HOPKINS: I'm not going to lie. Someone has done that and then regretted doing that.

SAGAL: (Laughter) I can imagine. Well, Shawn, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's an Emmy and Peabody Award-winning writer who plays the role of Jessi in the hit Netflix show "Big Mouth." It's Jessi Klein.



HOPKINS: Hey, Jessi.

SAGAL: Up next, the comedian who hosts the podcast "Jobsolete" and who brings awareness to Asian American issues with her family's YouTube channel, Old Korean Dad Stories (And Sometimes Mom), It's Helen Hong.


HELEN HONG: Hey, Shawn. CBD gummies - am I right?


SAGAL: And making her debut on our panel, she wrote the Lifetime Christmas movie "Holiday In Santa Fe" coming out later this year, and she hosts the podcast "The Chicano Squad." It's Cristela Alonzo.


CRISTELA ALONZO: Hey, what's up, Shawn? You're like the Barry White of bike engineering. How you doing?

HOPKINS: Great. But I also love your podcast.

ALONZO: Oh, thank you so much.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Shawn. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Of course, Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. You ready to do this?

HOPKINS: Let's go.

SAGAL: All right. Let's do it. Here's your first quote.

KURTIS: "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to subscribe."

SAGAL: That was the headline from ABC News about the film studio MGM, owners of the James Bond franchise, being acquired by whom?

HOPKINS: Oh, boy. I love James Bond. But I hate to say that Amazon or Jeff Bezos might be the next Bond. So Amazon.

SAGAL: Yes, exactly.


SAGAL: He did it so he can cast himself. Yes. Amazon paid $8 billion for the moribund movie studio. And most people think it's because of their film library that includes the James Bond movies. But maybe Bezos isn't really interested in Bond, per se. He just wanted that huge repository of supervillain data. Be worried if the next thing Bezos acquires is a dormant volcano.

Now, this is kind of a sad story and not just because at this point, most people think MGM is some kind of party drug. It's sad because by the time Jeff Bezos got around to buying up a studio, it was the only one left. It's like getting...

ALONZO: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...To the buffet late, and the only thing left is cold pineapple pizza.


KLEIN: Maybe he was just getting jealous that there's no - the phrase is not Amazon and chill. You know what I mean?


KLEIN: Like, there's no sex to Amazon. It's just like your toilet paper and then, like, other old shows. You just want something longer.

ALONZO: It is weird because, like, with Amazon, you don't chill. You Prime, right?


KLEIN: Baby, you want to Prime?

SAGAL: This is the problem for Amazon. You probably know Disney bought, like, "Star Wars" and Marvel, and HBO Max is part of the whole Warner Brothers thing. They got all the DC Comics, Batman. And apparently Amazon has had no success with their own material. They keep making these original movies. But people aren't into action movies in which the heroes are trying to defeat small, independent bookstores.


ALONZO: Actually, you know, I'm a big James Bond fan.

SAGAL: Sure.

ALONZO: I love James Bond. And I'm thinking that now the next movie - you know, there's always a scene in every Bond movie where they introduce, like, the inventions that they made for him.

SAGAL: Yes. Yeah.

ALONZO: So now it's just like - it's now advertising from the site, you know, where it's just like, oh, maybe you need this pasta strainer later on.

SAGAL: Yes, yes.

ALONZO: A Theragun? Oh, for my back.


ALONZO: All right, Shawn, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: Charlie bit me.

SAGAL: That was Bill doing the famous line from a video that is the latest Internet meme to be sold as what - or as a what?




SAGAL: A non-fungible token. "Charlie Bit My Finger," the most viewed video ever on YouTube - it's nothing more than a toddler sticking his finger in his brother's mouth and then getting upset when the toddler bites him - just sold for $750,000, which, I'll be honest, was more than I planned on spending. But I think it's still worth it.


SAGAL: Now, NFTs, if you haven't figured it out by now, are these supposed authentic original versions of Internet memes and digital images that you can buy from their owners, like individual works of art, rather than something that's already been infinitely duplicated. It's like paying a fortune to own the word broccoli. You don't actually get any broccoli. And other people can say broccoli whenever they want. But when they do, you get to be all smug and say, ah, that's mine, you know?

KLEIN: I still don't understand it.

HONG: Me neither. I have no idea.

KLEIN: I just can't understand it. It just makes me need to lie down.

ALONZO: Any time that a word happens that I don't understand, I'm like, oh, that came from TikTok.

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Presumably, yes.

ALONZO: And, like, I'm not even kidding. I have avoided this conversation for so long that when it comes up, I'm just like, oh yeah. Like, I just go with it. Like, you know, it's kind of like when you don't see a movie, and they're like, have you seen this movie? Like, oh yeah, totally. And you don't know what it's about. That's how I am with...

HONG: Are you running around going, no, I'm totally fungible.

ALONZO: Nonfungible? I've got all the fungibles. Like, I'm pro-fungible.

SAGAL: I was up all last night funging (ph). What are you talking about?

ALONZO: I know. Oh my - funging - like, you know, Amazon and funge. Am I right?


KLEIN: That's my jam. Nonfungible tokens are like my jam. I definitely get it.

SAGAL: By the way, getting back to "Charlie Bit My Finger" - by the way, if you want to feel old, both children...

HONG: Oh, no.

SAGAL: ...In that video died long, long ago.

ALONZO: (Laughter).

HONG: Oh, way to make dark, Peter.

KLEIN: Dark.


HONG: Geez.

ALONZO: Wow. Wow.

SAGAL: All right. Shawn, we got one more quote for you. Shawn, your last quote is an honest review of a big reunion this week.

KURTIS: I was surprised to be so touched by the actual people who made this wretched show.

SAGAL: That was a BuzzFeed reporter talking about what big TV reunion that was broadcast this week?

HOPKINS: Was that "Friends?"

SAGAL: It is "Friends."


SAGAL: You don't sound thrilled about it. That's right. "Friends" is back after 17 years with a special reunion episode entitled The One Where Everyone Is Jowl-ier. This was on the premium channel, on HBO Max. People presumably paid to watch this. In my day, this would have been a pretty lame DVD extra. That said, it was interesting to see how white people age when they have an infinite amount of money.


HONG: I did not see it because I did have a crush on Joey Tribbiani back...

SAGAL: You did?

HONG: ...In the day in the height of the show. And, you know...

SAGAL: Was Joey Tribbiani the one who was played by Chandler Bing? And I should say right now I've never watched "Friends."

ALONZO: (Laughter).

HONG: Both of those are characters.

SAGAL: Oh, damn it.


KLEIN: Oh, wow. Peter, Peter. I just had this tremendous urge to say, Dad. But you're not my dad.

HONG: No. Joey Tribbiani was like the hot, dumb one.

KLEIN: Matt LeBlanc. Matt LeBlanc.

HONG: Yeah, Matt LeBlanc. And they've all - and I saw a still image of the reunion. And everybody just looks doughier. And I just - I didn't want - I didn't...

KLEIN: Well, to be fair, the men looked doughier.

SAGAL: True.

ALONZO: (Laughter).

SAGAL: I did notice that.

KLEIN: There is still not not an extra ounce of BMI on any of the ladies.

SAGAL: True.

HONG: True.

KLEIN: The men, on the other hand, a snooch doughier.

SAGAL: Yeah.

ALONZO: My favorite was David Schwimmer. I had a crush on David Schwimmer.

KLEIN: It's controversial and brave of you to say that out loud, I will say.

ALONZO: (Laughter).

KLEIN: I feel like he gets the most - there's, like, the most anti-Ross feeling for him.

ALONZO: Oh, to me - oh, man.

KLEIN: But I'm with you. I like a Schwimmer. I don't mind.

ALONZO: I love a Schwimmer. My type of guy is a Schwimmer. It's always been a Schwimmer.

KLEIN: I'll go for a Schwim (ph) anytime.


SAGAL: Did anyone notice, by the way, that the 17-year period between "Friends" going off the air and the reunion is exactly the same as the Brood X cicadas?


SAGAL: Which is further proof that they're related. At the reunion on HBO Max, Ross and Rachel mated and then immediately died.

ALONZO: (Laughter).

KLEIN: Had not put those things together.

SAGAL: I know. I know. So, Bill, how did Shawn do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Shawn got them all right.


SAGAL: Congratulations, Shawn. Well done.

HOPKINS: Thank you so much.

SAGAL: Thanks a lot, man. Take care.

HOPKINS: Take care.


UNDENTIFIED SINGERS: (Singing) I'll be there for you.

UNDENTIFIED SINGER: (Singing) When the rain starts to pour.

UNDENTIFIED SINGERS: (Singing) I'll be there for you... Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.